Sex On The Mat: What To Do If You Are Not Getting Any

Judging from the recent epidemic of yoga scandals involving sex on the mat, there is obviously something wrong with me. That’s because after 15 years of practicing yoga, I have never been sexually harassed on the mat. Never. Not once. Not even close.

 It gets worse. Several of my favorite teachers over the years have apparently been sleeping with other yogis, students, employees, and probably the staff of the last hotel where they stayed while on a yoga tour.  And me? Nothing. What the hell?

 Furthermore, I recently went through yoga branding where you put “you” together with “yoga” and when you are finished your fundamental nature is communicated in two or three words. Many of my yoga friends have undergone branding and a few have come out without their pants on.  (Read the original blog here).

 On the other hand, when I went to get branded nobody looked at me and thought:  “Let’s get naked.” What the hell? They looked at me and thought, “Erma Bombeck.” If you don’t remember who Erma Bombeck was, she was a very funny writer from the mid-20th century who looked like John Madden wearing a wig.

 So, I’m starting to think like Mick Jagger when he sang, “Am I rich enough, tough enough blah blah blah?” But instead I’m thinking I must not be Wiccan enough, because in addition to lots of people being sexually harassed in yoga it turns out that lots of people are Wiccans.

 I called my local yoga teacher right away when I learned that John Friend, the founder of Anusara yoga, is a Wiccan, and I asked my teacher, what is this? He said he was not going to bother to try to explain Wiccan-ness, or Wicca, or WTF’er to a soccer mom who lives in the suburbs. It would be a huge waste of time, he said, and he probably had to go wash his hair.

 So I asked around on the internet and it turns out, lots and lots of people are Wiccans! Who knew? Where I teach yoga in a suburb with a ton of Starbucks and great local schools, I don’t think there are a lot of Wiccans. We have a few Republicans, and possibly a Buddhist or two, but really I don’t think we have a lot of Wiccans.

 But what do I know? Obviously not much, or else I would have figured out that all these yogis are Wiccans and having great sex while I’m worried about picking up the kids and finding enlightenment on the way to the supermarket. Honestly, I never considered being a Wiccan because I’m too damn busy trying to be a Jewish/Presbyterian/Catholic/Buddhist/Yogi /Pissed-Off-Democrat and I’m sitting there with my eyes closed going “Om.” Right? Maybe I should open my eyes?  I’ve got to go pick up some dry cleaning, but just as soon as I can, I’m going to figure this out and see if being a Wiccan will get me a little more action on the mat.

 Michelle Berman Marchildon is an award-winning journalist, a former corporate executive and a survivor of 50+ years of life. She’s the author of “Finding More on the Mat,” a yoga memoir, and a Columnist for Elephant Journal.  She teaches the style of yoga formerly known as Anusara-Inspired, and Power-Vinyasa Yoga in Denver, Co. She is NOT an Ambassador for Lululemon, and has been promised she will never be one.