Please Ruin My Life. You are Welcome, My Friends.
(Warning: This blog contains sarcasm, which is a most unattractive trait of the Yogi Muse.)I thought the test of being a yogi, was when the Universe does you dirty, and you can say “thank you” for that experience. But I was wrong.My challenge these days is to say “You are welcome.” The Universe is teaching me this lesson in spades. Honestly, I am much better at saying ‘Thank you,’ but with time, I hope that I will be able to say ‘You’re welcome’ and actually mean it. Instead, the little human in me wants to gloat, smirk and revel in another’s misery.Technically speaking, the phrase ‘You are welcome’ is a brief power exchange between the person who is expressing gratitude and the person acknowledging it. I am not that into power. It makes me deeply uncomfortable. That is why the phrase ‘you are welcome’ is hard. It’s up there with “I love you,” “I might be wrong,” and “Check please.”Here are some ‘Personal Growth Opportunities’ the Universe has sent me lately:My Anonymous Stalker Became Real.I ran into one of my anonymous internet stalkers who accused me of being a racist, got me fired from a yoga gig, contacted the newspaper where I worked to say I am a racist, and then sent emails threatening to “expose me” as a racist bad person if I did not do as she asked. She demanded that I go alone to a house in North Denver to prove I am not a racist. I cannot make this stuff up. Listen, I advise that no one travels to an unknown location to meet anonymous people, especially if they are behaving like terrorists from the Islamic State of Syria. Instead, I called the police.Then I met this person, and guess what? She said “thank you,” because I was now the source of her inspiration. Right? She causes me harm, lies to the world, and now she’s grateful. Well, you know, I’m glad to be of service. Please, ruin my life anytime. You are welcome.A Stoner Got ClearAfter trashing me on social media by saying that I hated people who smoked marijuana, I received a ‘thank you’ from a reader because I guess he realized “I might not be all bad.” You see, I said that being high in a yoga room is just like being in menopause, because neither of us knows what is going on. I guess he didn't get the joke, and now he said his conscience is bothering him. I forgive you, you are welcome, and please, you might want to put down the bong the next time you get on the internet.A Plagiarizer Was Sorry The woman who plagiarized my article The Broke-Ass Business of Yoga and published it practically word for word under her own name on another blog, wrote to say that she may owe me an apology, but because yoga is a 2,000 year old tradition she didn’t think so. Then I explained to her the copyright laws, which are not 2,000 years old but do come with a stiff penalty. You may be welcome, my friend, and by the way, you may also want to lawyer up if you do this again.Surprise! I Wasn’t LyingMy favorite by far this year came from a woman who shamed me all over the internet, and got her friends to do the same. She accused me of lying about a particular organization that offered free yoga in the park. She wrote to me to say that, um, I was right. Oh really? You don’t say. She thanked me for being a brave voice of truth and fearless honesty in yoga. Please, shame me all you want. I’m glad I could be of service. You are welcome.“Thank you is the new f**k you,” but “You are welcome,” is the ultimate test. So to all my haters, who have shamed me and abused me to your own advantage. You are welcome! I’m glad I could be of service! "I love you" and next time we meet I will say, “Check please” because I am a yogi and I’m here to serve, one enlightened, anonymous internet person at a time.Michelle Marchildon is The Yogi Muse. She’s an award-winning journalist and the author of Finding More on the Mat: How I Grew Better, Wiser and Stronger through Yoga and Theme Weaver: Connect the Power of Inspiration to Teaching Yoga. You can find her writing on Elephant Journal, Mantra Yoga and Health Magazine, and Sports Illustrated.